Lost Soul/Mind in Coma

[Novice]

Ok this is just a first draft of something that came into my head...i know its kinda gloomy and melancholic and self indulgent too but apart from that tell me what you think

Lost Soul or Mind in Coma

Bright and Dark.
A palimpsest of possibilities.
All in parenthesis.
Wandering alone,
In search of an ellusive anchor.
Perpetually roaming,
The stark, expansive wastes of the mind

[Gabriel]

Have you read the ninth life of Louis Drax? It's pretty good.

[palindrome]

Yes I like this it's got a very consistent tone to it and it could be used for so many purposes. It reminds me of a depressive, or someone who is going mad trying to find him/herself. You might think this one sounds far-fetched, but it could even be a post-modern poem, where the poem is actually talking about itself - the palimpsest is the text, it's in parenthesis because it is such a short piece that is "wandering alone", it searches for an anchor to latch on to some context, and if it stays on it's own then the poem itself will feel like a "waste of the mind". As I say, this is probably way off what you were intending but it was just a thought. Seriously though, I do really like the isolated and confused atmosphere to it, and I don't think there's anything wrong with self-indulgence in poetry where the point is to express any kind of feeling. Feelings come from ourselves, so it's only natural.

[cryurchin]

a palimpsest of possibilities suggests ideas from the past bleeding through to the present, like light bleeding through dark. but that in all probability occludes post-modernist attitudes to the poem as it suggests a past to engage with, a history, rather than an eternal present. if it's post-modern then it becomes a spatial palimpsest, which i quite enjoy as a thought, but something about the use of palimpsest just seems off, as if you mean it to be a combination of a possibilities. it seems time and space are neglected in this, it's barely palimpsestic, let alone palimpsestuous (palimpsestic is to create a palimpsest out of something, palimpsestuous is the new text, the product of comingling, and involves reading as a productive act). i wonder why 'all in parenthesis' is it's own sentence. i don't like the repeated intent of wandering and roaming. the lexical choices represent the stark and expansive qualities of the mind on offer, the choice of the word 'waste' is interesting; the mind on show seems harsh, but not without beauty. is it a comment on the waste of a mind? i didn't like the poem, but i liked some of the word choices, even if it does seem at times verbose for its own sake. i'm not saying anything should be dumbed down for an audience, but words used at a high level sometimes need to be back up more for the way in which they deal with complicated concepts with extreme brevity.

just some thoughts, not very cohesive ones at that.

laters x

[Leonard]

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[Humphrey]

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[Henrie]

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