A poem in desperate need of criticism

[frogmaster96]

Okay, here's one for you. I'm absolutely terrified of writing poetry so feel free to rip this apart, I need as much feedback as I can get! xDx

The Family Tree

Bramble scars and nettle stings
Crisscrossing the sun-worn leather of her skin,
A grimy plaster
Unravelling from the forefinger,
And mud engrained beneath nails
Cut too short.

Green fingers
Tracing the silky web of roots
Below the earth,
Where the monument proudly stood –
It’s green and silver turrets;
The deep-furrowed walls,
Adorned with bitter black fruit –
Tall in the soft river sand,
The cornerstone of memory.

Did he work the ancient, foreign soil
With this same devotion;
Breathing the earth through his skin?

Wrist-deep in loam
She dreams of a man dug up
From the past;
Her family’s father,
The tower that has sheltered them all.
And so she plants fresh seeds of memory;
A gift for her grandchildren,
So that they will know her
When they come tracing their roots.

[Gabriel]

I suck at poetry so I can't give any decent critique, but I know what I like, and I really like this.

Only thing I will say is that I'd loose the semi-colons and third stanza. I don't know why...

[cryurchin]

i really like the last stanza, sorry i can't offer a longer criticism, but i've got an early start

laters

[Rose]

That's good I like the overall feel of the poem, the imagery is good, the sensual feel to it is strong. The first stanza is a good opening, it throws you in to a very solid image.

I'm a bit thrown by the architectural imagery in the second stanza:
Where the monument proudly stood –
It’s green and silver turrets;
The deep-furrowed walls,
Adorned with bitter black fruit –

I love the last two lines of that, but the first two feel a bit out of place. Monuments don't really call up plants to me. However, that's more a of a personal preference, this is meant to convey your images, the way you see them, and the fact that it doesn't strike home to me isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's good to see things in different lights. I'll have to give that time to see if it grows on me.

I'm not sure about 'the cornerstone of memory' - I'm not really sure what you're referring to.

'Did he work the ancient, foreign soil
With this same devotion;
Breathing the earth through his skin?'

Introducing this before you talk about who 'he' is comes across ab it confusing - I felt like I was supposed to already know who he was, and I didn't, and it pulled me out of the text somewhat.

I do like that final stanza, 'wrist deep in loam' is a wonderful line.

The piece is fairly enigmatic, we don't get told much about who this guy is, why he's been dug up from the past, what she's planting. You can see this as a strength or a weakness. I don't like poems that tell too much, so this quite appeals to me. Some people will be put off by not entirely following what's going on, wanting to know more about it. --Possibly I'm being dense and it's obvious exactly what's going on, but it seems open to interpretation to me.

With regards to punctuation, I'd remove the hyphens but keep the semi-colons But that's obviously a matter of opinion. Overall it seems well punctuated.

I think it's a really nice piece.

[palindrome]

Yes I really enjoyed this... Everyone else seems hooked on the imagery (which is very lavish and executed well), but what caught my attention most was this girl's determination to make a mark as great as her ancestor had - I think this is overwhelmingly powerful, and it truly brings across a sense of family pride. I loved the way you turned the whole notion of making a mark in your family tree into a physical concept - a very metaphysical conceit. :-)

[beatpoetgeek]

This kicks ass. The whole thing is realy evocative. I (just to be a pain) really liked "cornerstone of memory". This is an immense poem. Well done.

[frogmaster96]

Cool - thank you for the feedback people
I didn't have much confindence with the poem when I first wrote it, quite probably because, when it comes to poetry, I spend so long stuggling to got anything down on paper that I automatically think it can't be up to much lol!

I agree about the semi colons etc - I have a habit of over-punctuating when I write and then not editing it out again afterwards. The architectural imagery was included after a chat with my writing tutor as we had been talking about the 'family's father' being representative of the foundations of the family (that's where the 'cornerstone of memory' came from too).

Anyhoo - thanks for the comments, they're very much appreciated! xDx